Rejecting the Dirty Feet of Hate

I chose this quote by Gandhi today, because every day last week, I had a conversation with a student or colleague about this very issue: the hateful and unkind words of another, ringing and echoing in their minds, making them sad, angry or confused.

What we must remember is we cannot (nor should we try to) control what others say. We can turn off our computer, delete posts on Facebook, not read hateful emails and so on, but we cannot in fact, stop the thoughts and unkind words of another.

What can we do?

• Remind ourselves that the words of another are not entitled to residence in our minds!
• We control what stays in our minds - and what stay there, lives there.
• We control the repeat button (and what we repeat becomes our beliefs and actions)
• We can choose to not believe the critic, especially when their motive is to be unkind                    

•  When faced with the "dirty feet" of another, we have the opportunity to make decisions for and about ourselves.  Here are a few possibilities:
• Get our feelings hurt, walk away, stuff the hurt. This decision usually leads to trying to please the person who was unkind the next time you see them or avoiding them altogether. (I am not recommending this one, but it can happen before we realize it)
• Shoot back with an equally mean or harsher response.  Notice I used the word "shoot" because this is battle mentality and contributes to more conflict. (I do not endorse this choice)
• Respond to the critic that you do not share their opinion and choose to discontinue the exchange.  This may depend on the relationship and what you hope it will be in the future.  I try to choose my honest and most respectful response.
• Give the critic your permission to share their opinions of you.  We can often learn something by staying a bit longer in the fray, but stay grounded - when we get emotional, the intellect has ceased. When they are done (and often they will choose not to continue) let them know that you heard them, but choose not to accept what is untrue or hurtful to you.  This often will change the behavior of the other person the next time they see you. 

I find that most people don't think of themselves as "mean" - they think of themselves as "right" or "entitled" or "wronged".  They may be saying hurtful things to you because they are defensive, intimidated or have a desperate need to be in control and on top.  I try to remember they're saying more about themselves than me.  If there is some truth to what they are saying, I hope I recognize that and admit it.  Sometimes the exaggeration of the attack will calm down if you recognize what part of their criticism is true.  This is admittedly challenging to do, but it's fair and can move the entire exchange to a higher level of communication . . . or in other words, take it out of the gutter!

Anyone can crawl out of bed and write, speak, spew, or tweet an insult.  It takes compassion and maturity to respect the dignity of another human being regardless of whether you know each other, like each other or agree with each other.  Let there be no misunderstanding, I have ignored, engaged, reacted badly, and believed the unkind words of others - probably still do, but less and less and less and as I do, I feel much better about everything.

Our minds are our very own domains.  They are ours to keep clear, evolving and kind. 
I will not allow another to walk through my mind with dirty feet.  I love that.  I hope you do too. Thank you Gandhi.

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Wanting and Giving

There is plenty to read these days about manifesting what we want in life, making money online, beating the lottery, getting a big this and an expensive that - I've read them, sometimes even been seduced by them, but these pitches activate the 'getting' mindset when what manifests peace in us, is the giving mind.  We may have a laundry list of stuff we say we want, but most of us deep down, want to feel peaceful, fulfilled and purposeful. 

I want fulfillment, but what am I willing to give for what I want? 

We often idolize musicians and actors, but forget that they gave up security, the almighty steady paycheck, in order to be in those careers.  Many had to give up pleasing a parent who wanted them to be something "practical".  In the past I had peers say, "oh, you're so lucky because you got out of the classroom and don't have to do lesson plans and curriculum maps" and I answered, "and all you have to do is be willing to work on a grant or in to consulting that doesn't guarantee your employment from year to year." 

Take giving down to a personal level.  What if you are in an argument and just can't seem to get your point across?  The discussion becomes heated as you both try harder and get louder in an attempt to convince the other of your point of view.  I want this to be resolved, but what am  I willing to give?

> Try giving the person you are arguing with "the benefit of the doubt" - this is a gift because we are taught that giving them a "benefit" means you're giving in or giving up, but that is NOT what is occurring when you make this choice.  Giving a benefit is a choice of addition, not subtraction.

> You can give "I don't know what I don't know".  Perhaps there is something here I am not aware of, have never experienced or can't understand because I don't have the experiences of the other person.  Do we ever have the identical experiences of another? I work with people from a different culture and socioeconomic background than mine; at times, it's essential that I give them this perspective or I'll wind up sounding condescending and disengaged from their reality.  It's tough to communicate from there.

> You can give "What would this issue feel like if I walked in their shoes?"  This is going from I don't know to maybe I can try to understand a bit more if I step on their side for a few minutes.  This may increase empathy, which is a gift.

> You can also always choose to give LIGHT.  This can be challenging to choose, because when light is the most needed is when the situation or opponent is at their darkest.  What changes the dark?  Not more dark - only turning on a Light.  If you find yourself in the presence of someone who is "going to the dark side", getting personal, ugly or demeaning, you only have two choices:
1) choose to leave: the gift of retreat, which many consider weakness, allows everyone involved to live to argue (or understand) another day, gather our dignity, and can save you from dropping into the same demeaning behavior (the subtraction mindset which creates guilt in yourself - never a gift).
2) shine a LIGHT: resist every urge to drop into the darkness of the argument, share only positive thoughts and solutions, see a light around whoever is trying to darken your day or win at any cost and know that it is not personal - they are expressing the dark thoughts in themselves, regardless of how much they try to make it about you.

If you can't hold on to light thoughts, which I readily admit can be difficult, go back to 1) . . . try another day if this pattern repeats with the same person and you're willing to keep engaging until it improves.  (Not willing?  Walk away and do no harm.)

What do you really want?  What are you willing to give to make it happen? 

Healthy Giving improves life.  Giving takes a healing mindset, purposeful action and love to dominate our decisions and actions.  Giving works in the mindsets of addition and multiplication, avoiding subtracting or dividing to get what we want.

Happy GIVING ~

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