"These Solutions Can't Possibly Be the Solutions"

"We must combine the toughness of the serpent with the softness of the dove, a tough mind and a tender heart." - Martin Luther King, Jr.

I have been reading and pondering the duality of waging fierce and powerful peace through the radical action of love and repentance of causing harm. Those who know me, know I'm not a hippie or a New-Ager, nor an aimless dreamer.  Heck, I'm from New Jersey, land-of-many-fighters.  What I've come to believe in is focused, purposeful action to improve a condition, a life, sometimes just a moment.  Not just action without purpose and not just compassion, which without action dissolves into pity and hopelessness. 

I have been reading Andrew Harvey, an intellectual, worldly man and somewhat of a mystic.  Please ponder this with me from his new book, "Radical Passion":  "Look at what's going on and how the solutions can't possibly be the solutions.  Accept that there is a way through and it's the way of love in action - and it depends on honoring the feminine sacred." - Andrew Harvey 

This resonates with me, not just because I'm a woman, but because I can't wrap my mind, and more likely my heart, around creating a better world through violence.  I'm not anti-male.  I love the men in my life, but believe we must demand and create balance going forward.  Our country is 51% female, but this is rarely reflected on any decision-making boards of anything (PTA exemption here.)  Woman are primarily considered as consumers; consumers of necessities and consumers of the non-essential.  Are we contributing to debates, corporations, laws, policies, media and modern ethics?  If the feminine voice was not only added for equity, but "honored" as a sacred and essential presence, might our country have a different look and feel one day?  

We've become comfortable in our physical world, but sadly accustomed to hearing horrific news.  I wonder what if anything will shake us from our complacency.  Would we need to lock ourselves behind barred windows with our weapons and our treasures if we created compassionate responses to those suffering from neglect, abandonment, hunger, as well as physical and mental challenges?  

Ok, enough questions!  I know my answers and I encourage you to leave your responses in the comments below.  

I will coach for peaceful, loving solutions.  I'll coach those who are now and aspire to be powerfully compassionate leaders, those in need of the courage to raise their voice for justice and equality.  I'll coach those aching to make a difference because our children deserve better than what we're handing them today.  

I am a coach for compassionate change.  For now, that will be my contribution to new solutions. 

I welcome those who are interested in being coached to create compassionate change to message me on my Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/CoachWSolutions

See Jane Lead. Lead Jane, Lead.

I've been in the field of education for decades and although there are plenty of woman teachers, inequity exits when it comes to administration aka leadership.  Let me pause on this for a moment because although there is a preponderance of women in the classrooms, the percentages skew heavily towards men in the top decision-making positions.

What's wrong with this picture?  The problem is a reliance on a male-dominated leadership model which creates imbalance.  Schools are recreating the male-dominated court system, suspending students at an alarming rate - currently described in many articles as the "pipeline to prison" phenomenon. A relentless linear approach to curriculum and test-taking models are demoralizing and chasing off many of our best and brightest teachers (this would be more women since they are over-represented at the instruction level).

My point is not to be anti-male; it's to be for equity and balance.  Woman shouldn't replace all men in educational leadership positions, rather we should be at the same table, in the same meetings, leading side by side with male administrators.  Woman are under represented at both the state and national levels in both education and politics.  The focus must be on adding more woman to leadership positions so female values can be voiced along side the masculine.

Once at a youth leadership workshop a 15 year old male student angrily yelled at me that I was teaching everyone to "be a girl, not a leader."  His justification for his outburst was that his father had taught him what a leader was and "compromise and listening isn't how it's done!  That's weak!  You're teaching us to be weak."  There were a few tense minutes but it gave us a good place to start discussing why a female leadership instructor might be sharing the topics I was covering.  I didn't sway my young participant, but there was a healthy, vibrant discussion with many young men in the group agreeing there was the need for the qualities of strength and power along side listening, compromise and agreement.  I like to think the young women left pleased and the men (minus one) gave themselves points for considering.

Creating equity and balance will require embracing new models of leadership that value feminine traits. Traits that are not just considered my men, but are embraced by woman.  We dominate the numbers in education, yet apply for the top education positions in smaller numbers.  We are 51% of the population, yet run for office less often.  It's time to value our own strengths in order to be taken seriously as leaders of our youth, leaders of our states and leaders of our nation.  Lead Jane, Lead!

If you agree or disagree, I hope you'll leave a comment or go to my Facebook page and send me a message: http://www.facebook.com/CoachWSolutions

graph from 2012 Harvard Kennedy School Review

There's No Title IX in Politics

 There was plenty going on at the Sister Giant conference this past weekend and one of many resonating points for me was this Jane Lynch quote:

"If we don't take a seat at the table -
we're probably on the menu"

Yes I know, large font, very dramatic, but did it get your attention?  It got mine.  We women can talk about issues or we can be a part of the solutions.  I prefer solving problems. No worries - there will still be time to drink wine.

A consistent Sister Giant theme was in order to create balance on what issues are being addressed by our elected officials, how they are being addressed and why they are being addressed, more woman must be involved in the discussions, the debates and most importantly - the votes!  It's not a man problem that they don't understand the feminine perspective, it's a woman problem that not enough of us are engaged in the process.  Statistically, woman are elected to office at the same rate as men . . . but sadly, way less women run for office. 

Ladies - we can come up with all kinds of excuses for why we don't run - the one that rises to the top for me and probably many of you is: politics are mean and nasty!  I'd rather go volunteer somewhere with other women, where everyone will be nice and smile.  We feel good about giving our time and perhaps some money, we're glad to see each other and then go home without watching something awful about us on the nightly news.  You know, nice.

Well the tenor and tone of a campaign or political debate is exactly my point.  If more women run smart campaigns and refuse to play in the gutter, refuse to put on the cliche armor and head into battle,  perhaps some day "dirty politics" will be a phrase from the past.  Perhaps sometime soon, there will be a 50-50 gender percentage at the state and federal level.  As it stands now, even after a record year for woman winning nation wide, we are only 20% of the total seats at the table - but woman are 51% of the population!  We can change how a campaign is run and we can change what is being addressed, but we can't do it from our couch.

I've been the idealist saying, gender doesn't matter, beliefs and thoughts do.  To some extent, that's true as all woman don't agree on all issues, but when it comes to issues that directly relate to woman and children, woman are much more likely to agree or at the very least engage in a discussion.  Maybe it's the womb factor.

We need balance in all things and our politics should be no different.  We've had Title IX in our schools for over 40 years so girls would be given equal chances to play competitive sports.  Well in the BIG game, we're not going to be given a Varsity Girl's Politics Team - we're going to have to play on the co-ed team.  We're going to have to run savvy campaigns, not to beat someone else, but to earn the votes of citizens who believe in what we will do if they trust us.

I for one am thinking seriously about how to engage my skills, heart and mind to influence change rather than watch it, hope for it and at times look away from it.

SISTER.  GIANT.
Think of the best women you know . . .
Now imagine them with the "audacity to wield power"- M. Williamson

Let's work to get more woman at the table.  Won't that be nice?

I hope you will join me at:  http://www.facebook.com/CoachWSolutions



 

Rejecting the Dirty Feet of Hate

I chose this quote by Gandhi today, because every day last week, I had a conversation with a student or colleague about this very issue: the hateful and unkind words of another, ringing and echoing in their minds, making them sad, angry or confused.

What we must remember is we cannot (nor should we try to) control what others say. We can turn off our computer, delete posts on Facebook, not read hateful emails and so on, but we cannot in fact, stop the thoughts and unkind words of another.

What can we do?

• Remind ourselves that the words of another are not entitled to residence in our minds!
• We control what stays in our minds - and what stay there, lives there.
• We control the repeat button (and what we repeat becomes our beliefs and actions)
• We can choose to not believe the critic, especially when their motive is to be unkind                    

•  When faced with the "dirty feet" of another, we have the opportunity to make decisions for and about ourselves.  Here are a few possibilities:
• Get our feelings hurt, walk away, stuff the hurt. This decision usually leads to trying to please the person who was unkind the next time you see them or avoiding them altogether. (I am not recommending this one, but it can happen before we realize it)
• Shoot back with an equally mean or harsher response.  Notice I used the word "shoot" because this is battle mentality and contributes to more conflict. (I do not endorse this choice)
• Respond to the critic that you do not share their opinion and choose to discontinue the exchange.  This may depend on the relationship and what you hope it will be in the future.  I try to choose my honest and most respectful response.
• Give the critic your permission to share their opinions of you.  We can often learn something by staying a bit longer in the fray, but stay grounded - when we get emotional, the intellect has ceased. When they are done (and often they will choose not to continue) let them know that you heard them, but choose not to accept what is untrue or hurtful to you.  This often will change the behavior of the other person the next time they see you. 

I find that most people don't think of themselves as "mean" - they think of themselves as "right" or "entitled" or "wronged".  They may be saying hurtful things to you because they are defensive, intimidated or have a desperate need to be in control and on top.  I try to remember they're saying more about themselves than me.  If there is some truth to what they are saying, I hope I recognize that and admit it.  Sometimes the exaggeration of the attack will calm down if you recognize what part of their criticism is true.  This is admittedly challenging to do, but it's fair and can move the entire exchange to a higher level of communication . . . or in other words, take it out of the gutter!

Anyone can crawl out of bed and write, speak, spew, or tweet an insult.  It takes compassion and maturity to respect the dignity of another human being regardless of whether you know each other, like each other or agree with each other.  Let there be no misunderstanding, I have ignored, engaged, reacted badly, and believed the unkind words of others - probably still do, but less and less and less and as I do, I feel much better about everything.

Our minds are our very own domains.  They are ours to keep clear, evolving and kind. 
I will not allow another to walk through my mind with dirty feet.  I love that.  I hope you do too. Thank you Gandhi.

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Boom - CRASH - BOOM!

When I was one of no more than two to three woman band directors in the state, I was focused on my students, our progress, how my strengths could contribute to their growth and how to improve my weaknesses.  I rarely ever thought on a day to day basis, "What should a woman band director do?  What should she say?  What should I not do because, that would be what a man would do?"  It just wasn't in my thought process. I was a band director (who was a woman)

But every now and then, someone would say something that would remind me that I was a woman being a band director. 

Here's one: After directing our high school concert band at a festival, a male judge approaches me in the hallway and said, "Hi, I'm Jim David (not real name) - that was a very aggressive program you chose for a female director."  I remember being caught off guard by the comment.  Was this a compliment?  My impression was that he was surprised by what we performed.  He didn't appear to disapprove, but apparently he expected softer, gentler music.  Boom - CRASH - BOOM!  We had a killer percussion section at the time and I programed several selections that gave them a chance to show off their talent, so yes, there was some drumming going on - and we played some fast stuff too. 

I think my response to him was, "Thank you?" 

That was a No Win Situation.  The judge considered my gender before we played a note.  If I had chosen a program full of ballads and Mozart transcriptions, then I'm perceived as a typical female director: nice, pretty, safe.  When I chose music that showcased our ability to play intense, percussive music, it was perceived as a woman directing masculine music.  Not being a director at all, would be the only way out of this conundrum, but that's not a viable option, is it?  (Obvious answer here: Hell no.)

These are the current circumstances ladies.  We are far beyond the decades with no female athletes, no female music directors, sports announcers - NO VOTING!  But - there is plenty of residual gender bias left and that is for our current generations to dissolve, like a hazy day when the sun shines so bright, the fog must go away.  When we shy away from our dreams because we don't see enough (or any) female role models, we perpetuate, we actually contribute to the male-female roles staying locked in our psyche for another generation to deal with.

Be what you want to be.  Be the authentic version of you, which happens to be female, but be YOU first.  Avoid acting either feminine or masculine - that is your gender, not your title.

I was a music director because I loved it.  I learned from outstanding music teachers, both male and female.  I loved sharing music and challenging my students to excel beyond what they thought was possible - and I happened to be a woman. 

There are more female directors in the state than when I was directing, but it still isn't even close to half.  Why?  Because it still looks like a man's job.  Woman dominate the K-8 ranks, but still are seen far less in front of a high school and especially a collegiate instrumental performance group. (Btw - I added instrumental because lots more woman direct choirs than bands and orchestras - I guess singing is considered more lady-like.) BOOM! I'm done today.

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"Hey Lady, Can You Fly This Thing?"

Today, I'm talking to you ladies - yes, you; the ones in the wrong career or settling for a position below your ability.  Neither of these options honor who we are and what we can contribute.  I have no doubt that plenty of misplaced women are still contributing plenty, but what are we capable of when we're actually pursuing our heart's desire. Rather than an administrative assistant, Gail researches viruses at a university.  Libby goes on digs in South America since she left her department store sales job.  Jennifer quit running the radio station's front office, so she can write her own radio programs.  Did your parents tell you to play it safe, but you wanted to fly airplanes? 

Women hire a personal coach for many reasons, but it often comes down to: "I don't feel fulfilled by what I'm doing" or "I like my work, but feel like there's something more for me."  Our society gives woman plenty of subliminal messages about what we're supposed to like and not like.  Aspire to leadership?  Well ok, but you'll have to exhibit more masculine traits, you know, to convince everyone that you're capable and up to the heavy challenges.  How many overt and subliminal messages say femininity and leadership roles are not compatible?

I love coaching woman who want to lead.  Leadership is an exciting, complex and fulfilling path to walk.  If you have that calling - listen to it.  The most effective leader is an authentic one, not a masculine one.  We've become jaded by the manipulative behaviors of leaders in politics and business.  I encourage us to not look away from the pools of deceit, disgusted and discouraged.  Rather, pour the fresh waters of compassion, creativity and collaboration into the stagnant ponds so they thrive again. 

Ladies - if you want to lead, then learn to lead and lead well, honestly and passionately.  We are past the time in history where we should settle for a position that makes everyone comfortable. If you can run the company, then don't settle for being one of the VP's.  If you can improve your state or federal government, run for office.  Woman are not being beaten by men more often at the polls, they aren't running as often.  Less than 25% of elected politicians are woman and yet we are 51% of the population.

The world needs more female leaders; we need to stop wasting our talent because we're following old patterns.  Creating new paradigms takes concerted effort and cannot be accomplished from a settling, rationalized mind-set.  Coaches are in the business of complacency busting.  If you know you are settling, I hope you will work with a coach.  If you want to be a pilot, I hope you will fly.

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