Traveling Our OWN Path

I was listening to Caroline Myss this morning on Oprah's Super Soul Sunday.  What struck me was her description of being on or off our path.  She insists that ever single person is here for a purpose but when we feel off our path (and suffering with that feeling) that we are not actually off the path, but rather we're managing poorly.  I'm pondering this as I always thought of it as on or off the path.  Her concept resonates as truer than mine. 

"Managing" our own journey means we must make the decisions that are right for us.  Of course it's fine to solicit support, read, study and listen, but ultimately, our choices are ours and the sooner we own that, the sooner we'll feel confident about the trajectory of our path - and listen to our intuitive voice.  This can be tricky without practice, because the Ego's voice is noisy!

TRY:
Slow down your thoughts to tap into your intuition. (This will speed up with practice)  Reflect on choices and own them.

When we suffer, it is a clear message that we are trying to force ourselves on a path that is not ours.  If Myss is correct, we won't actually get to that other path, but merely slow the progress of our own.  Is our path always there?  I'm thinking "yes", but we must travel it, live on it, not just wish and dream about it.

HINT OF THE DAY:
One of the most seductive thought patterns is "that shouldn't have happened to me."  The problem isn't the thought entering our consciousness, the destruction begins when we believe it!

Myss: "Who should that have happened to instead of you?"

GOING FORWARD:
Is our path something to search for?  Let's consider for one whole week that we're already on it and all decisions, both small and large matter to the quality of that journey.  Don't seek out, seek in.  See how that works and let me know.

Building the Mindfulness Muscle

Closing the gap between the realized self and higher self takes mindfulness.  When we take a few precious moments to reflect, we can usually hone in on who we are and what feels true.  The choice becomes obvious, the words we couldn't find in the moment come rushing in - "oh why couldn't I think to say that at the time!"  "I wish I had offered to help." 

Don't beat yourself up; this happens to everyone.  The key is to take time to reflect.  When we use the mindfulness muscle, it grows stronger.  As we take the time to consider what happened and how we reacted or responded, the gap between what we do and what we want to do becomes smaller.  The time delay literally will shrink until you are actually reflecting in real time - magic!

I call this the condensing phenomenon.  Like sliding the zoom on your phone camera, events come into focus and our ability to respond as we aspire to be is enhanced.  Practice connecting to your higher self - you know that one that knows how to act, what to say and who he or she wants to be.  Reflect on the events and conversations of a day and remember:

1) Don't spend this time beating yourself up for what you should have said or done. What you really wanted to say or do is already in your consciousness; it's just been covered up (for any number of reasons)
2) Give yourself credit for taking the time to reflect. 
3) Remind yourself that you will have more opportunities to externalize your essential self.  Look forward to another chance; stay optimistic that you will be in the "real you" zone soon.

You'll sometimes feel a bit frustrated with yourself, but remember to notice not judge.  It is an essential process to getting yourself on point.  Your reflections will begin to condense to happening closer to your behavior and for shorter amounts of time.  In other words, this will feel like a homework assignment and you may feel sluggish at first, but as you practice, it will feel more like having an easy catch and toss with a friend; eventually just a quick change of stations like changing the dial on a radio and then finally, a "yes, that means this to me" and the real you comes through.  You'll know when this happens.  Reflect on that as well.  Keep Noticing.  This is mindfulness.

I'll discuss the perks of getting this in another post soon.

Change is Inevitable and So Are We

Well it's been a while since I've been on here blogging.  I thought I would blog twice a week or at least once for a good long time, but after I lost my Grandma, I lost my mojo and then the holidays hit.  I don't think I'm letting lots of people down, but this was an exercise in communicating that I promised to myself, so I'm back.  My holiday vacation is almost over and so is my blogging break.

What I want to discuss today is growth.  NPR recently featured the work of Daniel Gilbert from Harvard who became curious about why we think we will be essentially the same person tomorrow or even 10 years from now.  The fact is, we almost all change and more than we ever predict. For some reason, we keep thinking that although we can recognize that we have grown up, grown wiser, more patient, etc., we usually consider where we are right now to be the pinnacle of that growth and rarely predict much, if any, further growth.

So I thought about this and it is much easier to reflect and accept the changes in ourselves than predict what we will become.  What I can consider however, is what I am aspiring to be and although there are lots of wishes and things I could put on a list, the essence of what I aspire to change in my future is being connected to my source and love on a daily basis; to stay grounded to my best self and avoid reacting to pointless drama.

I don't want to just believe in nonviolence, I want to be an active participant in helping others steer away from verbal and physical violence as the answer to their problems.  I don't want to just give to the Brady campaign for reasonable gun laws, I want to participate in the process that will bring an end to senseless firearm deaths.  I don't want to just hope that more women get involved in state and national politics, I want to participate in them getting elected.  I don't think it's unreasonable to want our children to have food to eat everyday, access to health care and a safe and productive education. 

I expect and plan to "grow" into these issues so when I look back in ten years, I will be different than I am today . . . and according to Daniel Gilbert, I shouldn't be surprised.  What will I have to change in myself to realize these changes?  I will have to say "yes" to growth opportunities and "no" to the safety of the predictable.  I expect more time management discipline of myself.  I pray for more compassionate responses, creativity and less mind-wandering.  I expect to take my life seriously AND remember to have more fun (that one's for Gram.)

How have you changed in the last 10 years?  What do you expect of yourself in the next ten?

Rejecting the Dirty Feet of Hate

I chose this quote by Gandhi today, because every day last week, I had a conversation with a student or colleague about this very issue: the hateful and unkind words of another, ringing and echoing in their minds, making them sad, angry or confused.

What we must remember is we cannot (nor should we try to) control what others say. We can turn off our computer, delete posts on Facebook, not read hateful emails and so on, but we cannot in fact, stop the thoughts and unkind words of another.

What can we do?

• Remind ourselves that the words of another are not entitled to residence in our minds!
• We control what stays in our minds - and what stay there, lives there.
• We control the repeat button (and what we repeat becomes our beliefs and actions)
• We can choose to not believe the critic, especially when their motive is to be unkind                    

•  When faced with the "dirty feet" of another, we have the opportunity to make decisions for and about ourselves.  Here are a few possibilities:
• Get our feelings hurt, walk away, stuff the hurt. This decision usually leads to trying to please the person who was unkind the next time you see them or avoiding them altogether. (I am not recommending this one, but it can happen before we realize it)
• Shoot back with an equally mean or harsher response.  Notice I used the word "shoot" because this is battle mentality and contributes to more conflict. (I do not endorse this choice)
• Respond to the critic that you do not share their opinion and choose to discontinue the exchange.  This may depend on the relationship and what you hope it will be in the future.  I try to choose my honest and most respectful response.
• Give the critic your permission to share their opinions of you.  We can often learn something by staying a bit longer in the fray, but stay grounded - when we get emotional, the intellect has ceased. When they are done (and often they will choose not to continue) let them know that you heard them, but choose not to accept what is untrue or hurtful to you.  This often will change the behavior of the other person the next time they see you. 

I find that most people don't think of themselves as "mean" - they think of themselves as "right" or "entitled" or "wronged".  They may be saying hurtful things to you because they are defensive, intimidated or have a desperate need to be in control and on top.  I try to remember they're saying more about themselves than me.  If there is some truth to what they are saying, I hope I recognize that and admit it.  Sometimes the exaggeration of the attack will calm down if you recognize what part of their criticism is true.  This is admittedly challenging to do, but it's fair and can move the entire exchange to a higher level of communication . . . or in other words, take it out of the gutter!

Anyone can crawl out of bed and write, speak, spew, or tweet an insult.  It takes compassion and maturity to respect the dignity of another human being regardless of whether you know each other, like each other or agree with each other.  Let there be no misunderstanding, I have ignored, engaged, reacted badly, and believed the unkind words of others - probably still do, but less and less and less and as I do, I feel much better about everything.

Our minds are our very own domains.  They are ours to keep clear, evolving and kind. 
I will not allow another to walk through my mind with dirty feet.  I love that.  I hope you do too. Thank you Gandhi.

I hope you will join me and hit LIKE at:
http://www.facebook.com/CoachWSolutions

Our Will vs Chaos

I used to write a blog called Be One With the Chaos.  We've all experienced it and I was fascinated by how some could hold their center while others fell apart.  I know incredibly resilient people who repeatedly inspire with their ability to be creative and solve problems in the face of challenges. I've also witnessed complete melt downs - how and what we try to control matters.

I recently read in Brendon Burchard's book The Charge that "we can control the quality of our character, actions and contributions to the world."  Without resolve to maintain our values in thought and actions, we are almost defenseless in the face of chaotic events.  Only when we rely on our character and hold our center can we rise above the turmoil of disasters, tragedies and random events.

When we least expect it, we may be blindsided.  Will we react or respond?  Burchard says, "meet the uncontrollable with a measure of choice and will."  Respond from our character.  Avoid reacting from pure emotion.  Getting emotional usually adds fuel to the fire, while a response that reflects our values and maintains the dignity of all involved has an excellent chance to lower the negative impact or even eliminate the damage that chaos can cause.

A shout out tonight to one of my colleagues who held her center in the face of an emotionally charged and cheap-shot accusation.  I won't go into the details but this could have blown up into a nasty, racial issue in our community.  What I loved is while my friend acknowledged her fears to speak up in the past, she spoke with dignity and conviction today, standing up for not only herself but countless others.  I'm so proud of her.

We cannot predict where chaos will come from or why, we cannot and should not hide ourselves away in an attempt to avoid it - we can live each day to create the good we are capable of and respond to random chaos not from our defensive ego, but from our best self with honesty and dignity.