Mind Germs

Hopefully most of us wash our hands after we've used the bathroom.  We have squirt bottles of germicide sitting in our offices and stay clear of homes that have someone with a contagious illness.  We'll go to great lengths from washing our food and the tops of aluminum cans to wiping down computer keyboards, steering wheels and doorknobs - and no, I'm not a germ-a-phoebe.

Why is it that we don't go to these lengths to avoid mind germs?  Why do we willingly allow networks to fill our brains with useless, negative news, real life stories full of misery and programs of fiction that reflect some of the worst of human behavior: sexual assaults, drug deals, murder, abandonment, cheating and so on - I bet you can name a TV show, fiction or nonfiction, for almost any awful scenario you can think of.  It's contagious!

When do we take the time to clean away the filth and horrors fed to us and the poison of gossip that we drink by the gallons?  If you could, would you wash your mind of these infectious germs?  Do you have a method that duplicates spritzing antibacterial gel on your hands? 

There are methods and they begin with choosing to be aware of what you are asking your mind to digest.  First and foremost, PAY ATTENTION to the shows you consume, books you devour and the conversations you participate in.  None of these are requirements.  We don't "have to" watch a show that features a brutal murder every episode.  We don't have to watch a news program that features one negative story after another, each with NO relevance to our life. . .  and we don't have to rationalize this behavior by telling ourselves that we won't have anything in common with our friends if we don't.  Your friends like YOU, not what programs you watch.

Homework: watch a network morning news program and count how many stories they share with you that are by their own admission "sad", "so sad", "disturbing" or "frightening."

Consider "the purpose" of what you consume more than the product.  When you question your own motives, it becomes simple to make a decision. 
"What is the purpose of spending my (precious) time on this?"  
"Why am I really doing this?"  

When the answer comes back, "I don't know", "Because I've always watched this", "Because my friends do", "Because I get a kick out of hearing gossip", "Because I'm bored and there's nothing else to do"- that's the proof you have been unconsciously consuming mind germs and because you don't realize you're consuming mind germs, you don't even bothering WASHING! (insert an "Ewww" here)

Mindfulness takes practice, but it's worth it.  Meditate, begin a spiritual practice (qigong, yoga, tai chi, prayer), promise yourself some germ free programing and see if you start to feel better, less stressed, and better rested.  You'll find that you are able to keep your own thoughts on positive solutions to challenges, rather than defaulting to irrational fears and chronic worry . . . now why might that be happening, hmmm?

Keeping the mind germs away takes the same daily, even hourly practice that developing a hand washing habit took when we were younger.  Eventually you won't go out in public without taking care of washing and that's best for you and everyone else too!

To Be On Purpose

We've heard all our life, "You did that on purpose!" and of course it's not meant to be a compliment but rather an indictment. 

Today we take "on purpose" off the list of indictments and place it by choice on our "To Do" list.  To make a decision with and on purpose is to create an expectation for our future, which also implies the effort it will take to accomplish our purpose. 

"Yes, I did that on purpose" can become our new motto, but it means commitment and we humans can be quite commitment-phobic.  Discovering and realizing our purpose can be a mysterious journey, but it doesn't have to be.  We all get plenty of "hits", messages or whatever you want to call those moments when you know you are meant to do something.  Sometimes we listen and often we ignore the calls.  Why?  Because the request may appear in-congruent with our current lifestyle - or? . . . scare us because it requires a commitment!

Not to worry.  We can change our minds.

Here's a place to start if you are lacking intuitive purpose messages:

• When asked to commit to something, ask "What's the purpose?"  
• Even a simple, "What for?" will help you define your next step.
• Ask yourself these same questions and you will begin the culling process necessary to see your purpose path with increasing clarity.

Once you start asking yourself these questions, be prepared to recognize how often you spend time on activities:

•  with no inherent purpose 
• that apparently others understand the purpose but you do not
• that there is a stated purpose, but it does not agree with you (jams up your values)
• with a wandering or moving purpose, making it difficult to stay informed or clear about the point
• with one stated purpose, which is NOT the actual purpose but rather a smoke screen (if it feels manipulative, it probably is)
• others: _____________________ (feel free to fill in your own)

Also be prepared to recognize when you:

•  feel energized by an idea or activity
• resonate with the intended purpose (stated by yourself or another)
• want to spend more time without regard for the effort or time involved
• feel like you already know strangers you meet while engaged in a new project or activity
• are compelled (or intrigued) to learn more
• smile and laugh a lot or have an overall feeling of satisfaction
• work hard or with fierce determination but it oddly doesn't feel like "work"
• other: _____________________ (feel free to add your own)

Disclaimer: following a path of purpose may lead to feelings of passion (not the mating kind).  Your passion may initially feel uncomfortable because it can be out of your current comfort zone.  Proceed anyway - we created the current comfort zone and we can expand it when we choose to (just like adding a room to your house; it may be a mess for a bit and then provide you with more room for relaxation and enjoyment for years to come.)

Disclaimer #2: I am not endorsing the end of fun, because our purpose will include play, joy and love. However, many chase nothing but fun confusing it for purpose or passion.  Remember, without commitment, it's probably short-lived or inherently without a point and therefore it will not ultimately satisfy our desire for purpose in our lives.

I hope the days ahead bring you the joy of purpose and that you are overheard saying, "Oh yes, I did that on purpose!"

Building the Mindfulness Muscle

Closing the gap between the realized self and higher self takes mindfulness.  When we take a few precious moments to reflect, we can usually hone in on who we are and what feels true.  The choice becomes obvious, the words we couldn't find in the moment come rushing in - "oh why couldn't I think to say that at the time!"  "I wish I had offered to help." 

Don't beat yourself up; this happens to everyone.  The key is to take time to reflect.  When we use the mindfulness muscle, it grows stronger.  As we take the time to consider what happened and how we reacted or responded, the gap between what we do and what we want to do becomes smaller.  The time delay literally will shrink until you are actually reflecting in real time - magic!

I call this the condensing phenomenon.  Like sliding the zoom on your phone camera, events come into focus and our ability to respond as we aspire to be is enhanced.  Practice connecting to your higher self - you know that one that knows how to act, what to say and who he or she wants to be.  Reflect on the events and conversations of a day and remember:

1) Don't spend this time beating yourself up for what you should have said or done. What you really wanted to say or do is already in your consciousness; it's just been covered up (for any number of reasons)
2) Give yourself credit for taking the time to reflect. 
3) Remind yourself that you will have more opportunities to externalize your essential self.  Look forward to another chance; stay optimistic that you will be in the "real you" zone soon.

You'll sometimes feel a bit frustrated with yourself, but remember to notice not judge.  It is an essential process to getting yourself on point.  Your reflections will begin to condense to happening closer to your behavior and for shorter amounts of time.  In other words, this will feel like a homework assignment and you may feel sluggish at first, but as you practice, it will feel more like having an easy catch and toss with a friend; eventually just a quick change of stations like changing the dial on a radio and then finally, a "yes, that means this to me" and the real you comes through.  You'll know when this happens.  Reflect on that as well.  Keep Noticing.  This is mindfulness.

I'll discuss the perks of getting this in another post soon.

Rejecting the Dirty Feet of Hate

I chose this quote by Gandhi today, because every day last week, I had a conversation with a student or colleague about this very issue: the hateful and unkind words of another, ringing and echoing in their minds, making them sad, angry or confused.

What we must remember is we cannot (nor should we try to) control what others say. We can turn off our computer, delete posts on Facebook, not read hateful emails and so on, but we cannot in fact, stop the thoughts and unkind words of another.

What can we do?

• Remind ourselves that the words of another are not entitled to residence in our minds!
• We control what stays in our minds - and what stay there, lives there.
• We control the repeat button (and what we repeat becomes our beliefs and actions)
• We can choose to not believe the critic, especially when their motive is to be unkind                    

•  When faced with the "dirty feet" of another, we have the opportunity to make decisions for and about ourselves.  Here are a few possibilities:
• Get our feelings hurt, walk away, stuff the hurt. This decision usually leads to trying to please the person who was unkind the next time you see them or avoiding them altogether. (I am not recommending this one, but it can happen before we realize it)
• Shoot back with an equally mean or harsher response.  Notice I used the word "shoot" because this is battle mentality and contributes to more conflict. (I do not endorse this choice)
• Respond to the critic that you do not share their opinion and choose to discontinue the exchange.  This may depend on the relationship and what you hope it will be in the future.  I try to choose my honest and most respectful response.
• Give the critic your permission to share their opinions of you.  We can often learn something by staying a bit longer in the fray, but stay grounded - when we get emotional, the intellect has ceased. When they are done (and often they will choose not to continue) let them know that you heard them, but choose not to accept what is untrue or hurtful to you.  This often will change the behavior of the other person the next time they see you. 

I find that most people don't think of themselves as "mean" - they think of themselves as "right" or "entitled" or "wronged".  They may be saying hurtful things to you because they are defensive, intimidated or have a desperate need to be in control and on top.  I try to remember they're saying more about themselves than me.  If there is some truth to what they are saying, I hope I recognize that and admit it.  Sometimes the exaggeration of the attack will calm down if you recognize what part of their criticism is true.  This is admittedly challenging to do, but it's fair and can move the entire exchange to a higher level of communication . . . or in other words, take it out of the gutter!

Anyone can crawl out of bed and write, speak, spew, or tweet an insult.  It takes compassion and maturity to respect the dignity of another human being regardless of whether you know each other, like each other or agree with each other.  Let there be no misunderstanding, I have ignored, engaged, reacted badly, and believed the unkind words of others - probably still do, but less and less and less and as I do, I feel much better about everything.

Our minds are our very own domains.  They are ours to keep clear, evolving and kind. 
I will not allow another to walk through my mind with dirty feet.  I love that.  I hope you do too. Thank you Gandhi.

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