To Be On Purpose

We've heard all our life, "You did that on purpose!" and of course it's not meant to be a compliment but rather an indictment. 

Today we take "on purpose" off the list of indictments and place it by choice on our "To Do" list.  To make a decision with and on purpose is to create an expectation for our future, which also implies the effort it will take to accomplish our purpose. 

"Yes, I did that on purpose" can become our new motto, but it means commitment and we humans can be quite commitment-phobic.  Discovering and realizing our purpose can be a mysterious journey, but it doesn't have to be.  We all get plenty of "hits", messages or whatever you want to call those moments when you know you are meant to do something.  Sometimes we listen and often we ignore the calls.  Why?  Because the request may appear in-congruent with our current lifestyle - or? . . . scare us because it requires a commitment!

Not to worry.  We can change our minds.

Here's a place to start if you are lacking intuitive purpose messages:

• When asked to commit to something, ask "What's the purpose?"  
• Even a simple, "What for?" will help you define your next step.
• Ask yourself these same questions and you will begin the culling process necessary to see your purpose path with increasing clarity.

Once you start asking yourself these questions, be prepared to recognize how often you spend time on activities:

•  with no inherent purpose 
• that apparently others understand the purpose but you do not
• that there is a stated purpose, but it does not agree with you (jams up your values)
• with a wandering or moving purpose, making it difficult to stay informed or clear about the point
• with one stated purpose, which is NOT the actual purpose but rather a smoke screen (if it feels manipulative, it probably is)
• others: _____________________ (feel free to fill in your own)

Also be prepared to recognize when you:

•  feel energized by an idea or activity
• resonate with the intended purpose (stated by yourself or another)
• want to spend more time without regard for the effort or time involved
• feel like you already know strangers you meet while engaged in a new project or activity
• are compelled (or intrigued) to learn more
• smile and laugh a lot or have an overall feeling of satisfaction
• work hard or with fierce determination but it oddly doesn't feel like "work"
• other: _____________________ (feel free to add your own)

Disclaimer: following a path of purpose may lead to feelings of passion (not the mating kind).  Your passion may initially feel uncomfortable because it can be out of your current comfort zone.  Proceed anyway - we created the current comfort zone and we can expand it when we choose to (just like adding a room to your house; it may be a mess for a bit and then provide you with more room for relaxation and enjoyment for years to come.)

Disclaimer #2: I am not endorsing the end of fun, because our purpose will include play, joy and love. However, many chase nothing but fun confusing it for purpose or passion.  Remember, without commitment, it's probably short-lived or inherently without a point and therefore it will not ultimately satisfy our desire for purpose in our lives.

I hope the days ahead bring you the joy of purpose and that you are overheard saying, "Oh yes, I did that on purpose!"

Building the Mindfulness Muscle

Closing the gap between the realized self and higher self takes mindfulness.  When we take a few precious moments to reflect, we can usually hone in on who we are and what feels true.  The choice becomes obvious, the words we couldn't find in the moment come rushing in - "oh why couldn't I think to say that at the time!"  "I wish I had offered to help." 

Don't beat yourself up; this happens to everyone.  The key is to take time to reflect.  When we use the mindfulness muscle, it grows stronger.  As we take the time to consider what happened and how we reacted or responded, the gap between what we do and what we want to do becomes smaller.  The time delay literally will shrink until you are actually reflecting in real time - magic!

I call this the condensing phenomenon.  Like sliding the zoom on your phone camera, events come into focus and our ability to respond as we aspire to be is enhanced.  Practice connecting to your higher self - you know that one that knows how to act, what to say and who he or she wants to be.  Reflect on the events and conversations of a day and remember:

1) Don't spend this time beating yourself up for what you should have said or done. What you really wanted to say or do is already in your consciousness; it's just been covered up (for any number of reasons)
2) Give yourself credit for taking the time to reflect. 
3) Remind yourself that you will have more opportunities to externalize your essential self.  Look forward to another chance; stay optimistic that you will be in the "real you" zone soon.

You'll sometimes feel a bit frustrated with yourself, but remember to notice not judge.  It is an essential process to getting yourself on point.  Your reflections will begin to condense to happening closer to your behavior and for shorter amounts of time.  In other words, this will feel like a homework assignment and you may feel sluggish at first, but as you practice, it will feel more like having an easy catch and toss with a friend; eventually just a quick change of stations like changing the dial on a radio and then finally, a "yes, that means this to me" and the real you comes through.  You'll know when this happens.  Reflect on that as well.  Keep Noticing.  This is mindfulness.

I'll discuss the perks of getting this in another post soon.

Our Will vs Chaos

I used to write a blog called Be One With the Chaos.  We've all experienced it and I was fascinated by how some could hold their center while others fell apart.  I know incredibly resilient people who repeatedly inspire with their ability to be creative and solve problems in the face of challenges. I've also witnessed complete melt downs - how and what we try to control matters.

I recently read in Brendon Burchard's book The Charge that "we can control the quality of our character, actions and contributions to the world."  Without resolve to maintain our values in thought and actions, we are almost defenseless in the face of chaotic events.  Only when we rely on our character and hold our center can we rise above the turmoil of disasters, tragedies and random events.

When we least expect it, we may be blindsided.  Will we react or respond?  Burchard says, "meet the uncontrollable with a measure of choice and will."  Respond from our character.  Avoid reacting from pure emotion.  Getting emotional usually adds fuel to the fire, while a response that reflects our values and maintains the dignity of all involved has an excellent chance to lower the negative impact or even eliminate the damage that chaos can cause.

A shout out tonight to one of my colleagues who held her center in the face of an emotionally charged and cheap-shot accusation.  I won't go into the details but this could have blown up into a nasty, racial issue in our community.  What I loved is while my friend acknowledged her fears to speak up in the past, she spoke with dignity and conviction today, standing up for not only herself but countless others.  I'm so proud of her.

We cannot predict where chaos will come from or why, we cannot and should not hide ourselves away in an attempt to avoid it - we can live each day to create the good we are capable of and respond to random chaos not from our defensive ego, but from our best self with honesty and dignity.

"Hey Lady, Can You Fly This Thing?"

Today, I'm talking to you ladies - yes, you; the ones in the wrong career or settling for a position below your ability.  Neither of these options honor who we are and what we can contribute.  I have no doubt that plenty of misplaced women are still contributing plenty, but what are we capable of when we're actually pursuing our heart's desire. Rather than an administrative assistant, Gail researches viruses at a university.  Libby goes on digs in South America since she left her department store sales job.  Jennifer quit running the radio station's front office, so she can write her own radio programs.  Did your parents tell you to play it safe, but you wanted to fly airplanes? 

Women hire a personal coach for many reasons, but it often comes down to: "I don't feel fulfilled by what I'm doing" or "I like my work, but feel like there's something more for me."  Our society gives woman plenty of subliminal messages about what we're supposed to like and not like.  Aspire to leadership?  Well ok, but you'll have to exhibit more masculine traits, you know, to convince everyone that you're capable and up to the heavy challenges.  How many overt and subliminal messages say femininity and leadership roles are not compatible?

I love coaching woman who want to lead.  Leadership is an exciting, complex and fulfilling path to walk.  If you have that calling - listen to it.  The most effective leader is an authentic one, not a masculine one.  We've become jaded by the manipulative behaviors of leaders in politics and business.  I encourage us to not look away from the pools of deceit, disgusted and discouraged.  Rather, pour the fresh waters of compassion, creativity and collaboration into the stagnant ponds so they thrive again. 

Ladies - if you want to lead, then learn to lead and lead well, honestly and passionately.  We are past the time in history where we should settle for a position that makes everyone comfortable. If you can run the company, then don't settle for being one of the VP's.  If you can improve your state or federal government, run for office.  Woman are not being beaten by men more often at the polls, they aren't running as often.  Less than 25% of elected politicians are woman and yet we are 51% of the population.

The world needs more female leaders; we need to stop wasting our talent because we're following old patterns.  Creating new paradigms takes concerted effort and cannot be accomplished from a settling, rationalized mind-set.  Coaches are in the business of complacency busting.  If you know you are settling, I hope you will work with a coach.  If you want to be a pilot, I hope you will fly.

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Choosing Childish or Child-Like?

There's a difference between acting childish and being child-like. 

When we're being child-like, we are in-tune with our joy, some might say naive, but nonetheless, we're happy to be there and in the moment.  Feeling the wonder of something new and amazing, seeing a work of art, the beauty of nature, "there's Grandma!" or enjoying the sun on your face as you ride your bike.  Perhaps we don't squeal with glee like when we were young, but the feeling is clearly linked to those childhood moments.  The anticipation of something exciting is another childhood feeling - that can't quite go to sleep I'm so pumped up rush is a child-like feeling that can kicks lot of endorphins into our grown up bodies.  It's possible to feel that way again if we allow ourselves the wonder and joy that was so freely expressed as a child. 

Somewhere along the way, we replace many of those anticipatory moments with worry and angst.  Growing up doesn't mean replacing joy with anxiety, but it does require less (and less) childish behavior.

Acting childish: first notice that you'll have to act because you are not a child anymore.
Try this one:
I want my own way!  Screw up your face 'til you look fierce and see if that tantrum look still gets the job done (at home or at work) . . . probably not.
How about:
I want this now!  Give in to yourself and buy what you don't need or can't afford.  The instant gratification will soon give way to the weight of the bill or the shame you feel when that shiny new item sits in the closet.
I don't want green food, I want ice cream. You're in charge now - do it everyday if you want.  See if this creates child-like wonder or the need for a new wardrobe.

When choosing between acting childish or being child-like,  choose be.
 

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Write New Rules

We are conditioned to follow rules: family rules, school rules, rules at work, homeowner rules, community rules, rules of the road, . . . yup, there a lots and lots of rules out there.

But what about the rules within?  These are our GUIDING RULES.  They become our beliefs.  They guide our behavior, our actions, they create our path.  

Our guiding rules are worth considering and reflecting on as we may be unconsciously following rules and beliefs that are the beliefs of someone else: parents, friends, community members, the society at large.

One clue that you are following someone elses rules is when you say to yourself, "I should do this" or "I should do that."  Remember the word SHOULD and pay attention to how often it enters and lingers in your mind.  A second clue is a feeling.  To me, it feels like static when I act or react in a manner not aligned with what I believe and who I am.  Static can feel like: dis-ease, a knot in your stomach, a headache, tension somewhere in your body (almost always the same spot - shoulders, thighs, forehead).  Sometimes people describe static to me as a voice shouting, "what are you doing?!"

Start with some of the simple ones that go way back like: "Eat everything on your plate."  We all know why parents say this in a valiant attempt to get something of nutritional value into their youngster's system.  Now let's say you're 30.  You're busy and often eat out, going to countless restaurants that routinely give you huge, make that obscene amounts of food.  Despite clearly seeing three portions sitting on one plate, despite knowing that something called a "to go box" exists, you obediently go about eating everything on the plate.  This is a simple example of a guiding rule at work.  So the question is - does that rule support or defeat your conscious goals?

These unwritten rules can be much trickier, but once you put your attention to why you are behaving a certain way, you will discover there are many more rules lingering below the surface of your conscious mind.  Some are ok, even helpful, but many are not.  "Don't speak your mind, you're not smart enough", "That dream is foolish", "Just be quiet and behave", "Woman can't handle money", "Someone who looks like that is not worth knowing" and so on (there are thousands).

When you discover one of these guiding rules at work and it clearly does not feel right - STOP and write a NEW RULE.  You are the adult now and your guiding rules can be ones that reflect who you are.  Being who you are honors who influenced you are a child.  It is not disrespectful to be true to yourself. We will always have rules that must be followed.  Be sure that the ones that you carried from your first few decades actually line up with who you are now and what you value. Rewrite the ones that don't.

A coach can help you uncover unwanted rules: http://www.facebook.com/CoachWSolutions

Jurassic Park is Calling

When our son Seth was not quite 10, we went to Jurassic Park.  The school year had just ended and for a few years, Seth, his brother Tanner and I had been going to Phoenix the week after to play: water park, motel pool time, summer clothes shopping and a movie or two.  Fun, carefree days.

In 1993, we waited in a long line to get our tickets to see Jurassic Park on the opening day.  When we went into the theater, we couldn't find three seats together without splitting up. The boys were 8 and 10 so I headed back to the ticket counter and asked if we could use our tickets for the next show.  He didn't want to agree, but most people know not to mess with a mother when she's got her cubs nearby. We're not splitting up!  ("Ok lady, here you go" with eye roll)

It was a long wait and this time we made sure we were near the front of the next line to get good seats together.  We had our popcorn, sodas, and requisite candy: Sour Patch for the boys and Raisinettes for mom.  Cue your memory of this fantasy thriller here: ______________________________.

I'll never forget what Seth said to me when we came out of that movie. "I'm going to do that when I grow up."  I wasn't sure what he meant, so I asked, "Are you going to be in the movies or make movies?"  "No", he said with his well developed seriousness.  "I'm going to write music like that."

When we got home, he started on his own dinosaur-inspired composition called "Prehistoric Overture."  He was going into the 5th grade.  I helped him transcribe what he dutifully worked on at the piano day in and day out for weeks.  Those were special days.  We both knew that he had discovered his calling, his purpose -

and he was 10 years old.

Twenty years later, what does Seth do?  He writes music professionally!  Tonight, he and his brother will hear the music of John Williams, conducted by Williams live at the Hollywood Bowl.  I wish I were with them again, but I can feel the glow of excitement from hundreds of miles away and it takes me right back to those summer days of their youth.

To find, nurture and follow our passion, our purpose - can there be a better life? 

Most will say it's luck to know what you want to do at a young age, but I believe he was observant enough at a young age to recognize that feeling, the famous "ah-hah" that speaks volumes when something is just right. 

Like me, you're probably past the age of 10, but paying close attention to those moments that speak to our soul and say, "this is it, do this" - that's worth our time and attention at any age.  I wish for you that moment and the courage to follow the feeling. 

Coaches are here to help forward your action.  Just say "I'm ready!"  

Have fun, guys -


http://www.facebook.com/CoachWSolutions
 

If You Want to Sing Out

Here are some simple lyrics from the Cat Stevens' song "If You Want to Sing Out"
They ring true to me  -
Let's be clear:

If you want to sing out, sing out
And if you want to be free, be free
'cause there's a million things to be
You know that there are

And if you want to live high, live high
And if you want to live low, live low
'cause there's a million ways to go
You know that there are
 
You can do what you want
The opportunity's on
And if you can find a new way
You can do it today
You can make it all true
And you can make it undo
You see 
Its easy 
You only need to know
 
If you want to say yes, say yes
And if you want to say no, say no
'cause there's a million ways to go
You know that there are.

You know that there are.

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When It's Worth Being Stubborn

I used to describe myself as"tenacious" and "persistent".  I'd say, "what you call stubborn, I call tenacious" and I'd usually smile (inferring a wink . . . which is usually received as a smirk).  Then I read Do the Work by Steven Pressfield and had to agree with his assertion that "stubborn is less lofty than tenacity" - that resonated with me. Who needs "lofty" when what the circumstance dictates is a good dose of stubbornness?

I have always known that others consider me stubborn and some of those would add "to a fault", but I've decided to own my stubbornness - it's mine, so here I go: I'M STUBBORN and PROUD OF IT!  Why?  Because I'm confident that I'm stubborn when it matters . . . to me. 

What matters to YOU?  What are you passionate enough to get stubborn about, dig-your-heels-in, don't-let-go to your core about?  I'm not advocating control freak (my way or the highway) or ignorance is bliss stubborn - I'm talking about those beliefs that are worth fighting for, the ones you've examined and feel deep down in the core of your being.

What must you be stubborn about?  Not lofty tenacious or pesky persistent, but down right "damn, she's stubborn!"  When you recognize the issue that you must resist with all your skills and passion (hint: this usually feel like a kick to the gut), then Pressfield suggests, "We sink our junkyard-dog teeth into resistance's ass and not let go, no matter how hard he kicks."

Now that's not lofty, but I'm for it!  Warning: this is NOT for the meek.
 We'll discuss finesse and grace on another post (wink).

 i coach those insisting on an amazing life: coachwsolutions@gmail.com

Your Voice

Is your voice a roar or a whisper?
Of reason or fancy?
We all have a unique, authentic song -
irregardless of talent,
or judgment
or grace.

How do you recognize your voice?
When it resonates within,
expands your chest -
for a deep breath of "yes, that's me"

coachwsolutions@gmail.com

Self Reliance

Self Reliance by Ralph Waldo Emerson has been re-released by Seth Godin's Domino Project: Do You Zoom.

This version includes quotes relative to points made by Emerson as well as his original text. Here are a few excerpts:

Emerson:
"It is easy in the world to live after the world's opinion;
it is easy in solitude to live after our own;
but the great man is he who in the midst of the crowd keeps with sweetness the independence of solitude."

"Do your work and I shall know you.
Do your work and you shall reinforce yourself."

and a contribution in the same chapter by Pamela Slim:

"We look for ourselves in many places -
meditation retreats, personality assessments, Twitter rankings.
But the best place to find the reason why we were put on earth is in a private moment immersed in our craft.  In that sacred instant, we see without a reasonable doubt that we were made to create and contribute."

I coach to empower - we all deserve to be exactly who they are, do exactly what was meant for us, feel alive and make a difference on our journey.  Coaches are guides for others to uncover their truth.  It's a calling I've known for a long time.

Thanks for pausing here today.  I hope you'll consider leaving a comment or send me an email:
coachwsolutions@gmail.com